I had just gotten out of the shower where I had spent half of my time leaning against the wall crying because my kid doesn't sleep.
Technically, he'll sleep but he prefers to do it in my arms or laying next to me in bed. The fact that I can barely spend any grown up time downstairs at night is frustrating. We've been working to make his sleep better but first we went on vacation then we had the holidays after which Rivers and then I got sick, so long story short we are way off base when it comes to sleeping.
Two nights ago Rivers woke up an hour after I put him to bed, I went up to our room (yes, our 6 month old sleeps in our room still) settled him and made it to the kitchen before he woke up again. I went back up, got him to sleep & made it to the kitchen again only to hear him crying. Jus offered to take the third wakeup and I sat on the sofa and listened to Rivers cry and scream for twenty minutes until he finally fell asleep in Jus's arms. A couple of hours later he was back up and instead of fighting him I brought him to bed with me where he slept pretty well.
I've been working to trade down Rivers's sleep associations. This takes a lot of time and a lot of patience and some nights I don't feel like I have the energy but it works to make the baby feel comfortable in their crib gradually while getting support from their parents. Some nights I think leaving Riv to cry it out would be easier but I know that I'm not strong enough to have my baby cry for hours, I can barely handle the twenty minutes it takes him to fall back asleep in Jus's arms.
So anyways, back to the shower, back to me exhausted & crying because I feel like a total failure. What 6 month old can't take naps on his own? I think back and I can pinpoint the time when I started this mess, when Rivers wasn't gaining a lot of weight so I'd nurse him every time he'd wake up.
How I wish I hadn't done that, how I wish I hadn't discovered the joys of nursing laying down and realized that it would be easier for me to bring Riv to bed rather than fall asleep while rocking him back to sleep. It's all my fault. Sure, I'm not a great sleeper so there's a chance it could be hereditary but I know I created the problem. Even though I hate how often he wakes up I love that every time I pick him up he sighs and snuggles in, he was crying because he wanted his mommy and I'm his mommy.
I have never had anything be so rewarding and wonderful as being a mom. In the middle of the night when I'm beyond exhausted and Rivers won't stop crying I still smile because when he falls asleep his face is so precious that I could scream. I want to wake him up just so I can smooch his baby cheeks but I let him sleep because I know he'll be back up in a couple of hours, because, inevitably, he'll be back up.
As a mom, especially a new mom, it's hard to let yourself off the hook and acknowledge that being a mom is tough. I read What to Expect, learned about labor & tried to figure out how breastfeeding would work once LBL arrived. I had such high hopes that once LBL arrived I'd do everything that was best, but here I am 6 months later, crying in the shower.
Rivers is well loved, happy & healthy, he is the friendliest, happiest baby I've ever met and is a joy to be around. He's growing well & learning to eat food. His sleeping isn't perfect, Jus & I are tired but instead of stressing over this fact isn't getting me anywhere. I need to acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can. Comparing myself to the moms that have everything together is silly because chances are they've struggled before too.
If you're sitting there, reading this, and nodding your head feel free to share.
Go ahead, I've gone first, this mama stuff is hard but having someone to talk to helps.